Can I be totally transparent for a moment?
Jonathon and I dated when I was in high school. He was based about 40 minutes away from me and already in the Air Force. He was my first boyfriend, and I loved every minute with him.
He ended up breaking my heart, as to be expected since we were so young. We weren't going to be together forever, but I didn't know that. I didn't think about that. I just knew I really liked him and was so upset over him breaking up with me.
We went about our lives for 3 years or so before I was on Facebook and saw he was friends with a guy I was also friends with. I decided to be brave and shoot him an email. He responded. Gasp.
He was based in Germany, but as my timing would have it, he'd be visiting his parents (8 hours from my house) in just a few weeks. He made plans with me to visit and catch up. Gasp again. And he did visit me. We met up and played some miniature golf. I'm sure he won. That didn't matter. I loved being around him. I loved everything about him. As the weekend wrapped up, we said goodbye. We stayed in touch with texts, emails and phone calls. We didn't officially start dating again for a couple of months.
He lived in Maryland now, and I in Colorado. We tried to see each other as much as possible. A weekend here and there. We'd take turns making the 3 hour plane ride and the expense that comes along with it. We'd sight see, do activities, eat out and be as real of a couple as we could for 48 hours.
He asked me a few times to move to Maryland. I hesitated. Leaving everything I've known to be with someone that I wasn't married to (even at 19 years old) didn't make sense to me. I promised God this relationship would be pure because I wanted to give it a fighting shot - with his blessing.
He called me one day saying he received orders to Iraq. For a year. A whole year. 365 days. In Iraq. What was I going to do? Our already very little time together just slipped away. Gone. With one piece of paper. Or probably a lot of papers, but whatever. I didn't want to be apart anymore.
We had a talk, a very frank talk, about marriage. I told him I just wanted to be married before I moved. I made it clear that I didn't think we could do long distance anymore. It was hard. We both needed more and it wasn't going to work long term. We had already hung on for a year. So there it was, a decision to get married. We discussed getting married on his two week R&R from Iraq. Who can plan a wedding around a war? We did. We pictured a fall wedding, warm colors, cool air and everyone we loved there. Then another phone call came. Jon told me his R&R changed to February and he was worried I wouldn't marry him so soon. We changed everything and made it work.
The wedding was beautiful. I had everything I wanted. I planned every detail. I didn't anticipate the fallout of this day, the hardships we endured, the adversity we faced and all of the tears we'd cry.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
At the hospital..
Should I start at the beginning?
Jonathon was up all night the other night in terrible pain that left him vomitting for most of the night. He was feeling better yesterday, and as usual, we attributed the pain to his reflux.
He went to work as normal today, came home fine. I left with Emilie (who's been staying with us) to Wal Mart to grab a few things. When I got back, I looked at Jonathon and told him his eyes were VERY yellow. He kept saying he was fine and no big deal. I sat in our recliner to look up causes for jaundice and how to cook corn on the grill. He came in from the grill, stood at the sink and turned the water on. I looked up at him to tell him about the corn, and boom...he was gone. I just watched him fall, flat backwards, hitting his head on our wood floor.
I called his name twice and ran over to him. Nothing. His eyes were closed, he wasn't speaking. Jackson had come over at that point and became hystercial. He finally woke up, and laid on the floor for a moment. He asked to sit up, and I yelled to Emilie to call my mom to get her to come take Jackson (since he was so hysterical and I needed to get Jon to the doctor as he had refused an ambulance). My mom in the meantime had called my sister, Jennifer, to come get Em and Jackson so she could go with me to the hospital.
During that time, Jonathon passed out another 4-5 times. I was able to get him to wake up a lot quicker than the inital fall, but still very scary.
It only took us 7 minutes to get to the closest hospital in Loveland, which is a whole lot quicker than the ambulance...although if it ever happens again, that's what he'll be riding in. The ER nurse hooked him up to an IV and he seemed to get tons better in a short amount of time. Dehydration?
His test results showed his liver enzymes are off the charts so they assumed it's gallbladder/liver issues. After an ultra sound, it shows he has gall stones, however they aren't blocking anything so currently, they're unsure what is causing the liver issues and the passing out. We'll do more tests in the morning to see what's going on. Until then, my mom left to take Jackson to her house since he was so hysterical over his dad. Jennifer said that as they were approaching the hospital to pick up my mom, he was yelling in the car, "I'm almost there Daddy! I'm on my way!" Such a sweet boy. I miss him tonight, but I really wanted to stay with Jonathon. I have made myself at home on a really cool chair that pulls out to a bed. We'll see how my back feels tomorrow. ;)
Important thing is Jonathon didn't have this happen while he was driving home, or at his office since he's the ONLY one there this week. Thank the Lord that he was home.
Jonathon was up all night the other night in terrible pain that left him vomitting for most of the night. He was feeling better yesterday, and as usual, we attributed the pain to his reflux.
He went to work as normal today, came home fine. I left with Emilie (who's been staying with us) to Wal Mart to grab a few things. When I got back, I looked at Jonathon and told him his eyes were VERY yellow. He kept saying he was fine and no big deal. I sat in our recliner to look up causes for jaundice and how to cook corn on the grill. He came in from the grill, stood at the sink and turned the water on. I looked up at him to tell him about the corn, and boom...he was gone. I just watched him fall, flat backwards, hitting his head on our wood floor.
I called his name twice and ran over to him. Nothing. His eyes were closed, he wasn't speaking. Jackson had come over at that point and became hystercial. He finally woke up, and laid on the floor for a moment. He asked to sit up, and I yelled to Emilie to call my mom to get her to come take Jackson (since he was so hysterical and I needed to get Jon to the doctor as he had refused an ambulance). My mom in the meantime had called my sister, Jennifer, to come get Em and Jackson so she could go with me to the hospital.
During that time, Jonathon passed out another 4-5 times. I was able to get him to wake up a lot quicker than the inital fall, but still very scary.
It only took us 7 minutes to get to the closest hospital in Loveland, which is a whole lot quicker than the ambulance...although if it ever happens again, that's what he'll be riding in. The ER nurse hooked him up to an IV and he seemed to get tons better in a short amount of time. Dehydration?
His test results showed his liver enzymes are off the charts so they assumed it's gallbladder/liver issues. After an ultra sound, it shows he has gall stones, however they aren't blocking anything so currently, they're unsure what is causing the liver issues and the passing out. We'll do more tests in the morning to see what's going on. Until then, my mom left to take Jackson to her house since he was so hysterical over his dad. Jennifer said that as they were approaching the hospital to pick up my mom, he was yelling in the car, "I'm almost there Daddy! I'm on my way!" Such a sweet boy. I miss him tonight, but I really wanted to stay with Jonathon. I have made myself at home on a really cool chair that pulls out to a bed. We'll see how my back feels tomorrow. ;)
Important thing is Jonathon didn't have this happen while he was driving home, or at his office since he's the ONLY one there this week. Thank the Lord that he was home.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Changes
Jackson said "beef" yesterday. He said the beginning and ending sounds perfectly. Who knew he could do "f's" so well?! I was standing at the crock pot, cutting up veggies, and he asked me what was in there. I said "beef stock". He was standing there, on his little step stool across from me, and he said, "beef. beef. BEEF!" And I looked at him, both of our jaws dropped and he smiled and said "It's a new letter!". Yes, son, you did great. I've made him tell everyone we've seen since that he can say BEEF! This is big in the Bayliff house. Looks like talking with mom at home is just as or more effective than speech therapy.
We got stood up a few times by the therapist at school. I was irritated because my son is the most important person in the world - why doesn't everyone see him that way? ;) Really though, it's frustrating. We were on our way to his church camp, and we were supposed to have a session beforehand. It's not easy getting it together that early in the morning only to be stood up. I told Jonathon that it's time to not rely on the school. We've been looking at speech therapists for awhile, however, turns out that they aren't super easy to come by. With Jonathon accepting the position at Holland, we have the opportunity to actually get a doctor to work with him instead of speech pathologists. Hopefully this will be rolling by the time school starts again.
Jackson tested above average in his initial evaluation. *of course he is, duh*. Honestly though, he's so stinkin smart that we felt he needed more. At his current school, there were a lot of distractions. Lots of kids with behavior issues, lots of interesting parenting, and really I believe, lack of funding. The teachers were great, I felt comfortable leaving my child there - but it wasn't fitting for me. I really felt it was important to send him to a private Christian school. Providing Jackson with a solid spiritual faith is the most important thing I can do for him. Besides taking him to an amazing church each weekend, praying each night and talking to him about the Lord, I wasn't sure how to completely solidify how important it is. Then I found it. After church camp, I felt like that's where we are meant to be.
I called Rez, and they were full. Like F-U-L-L. Who knew that other parents felt this feeling months ago and actually got their kid a spot? :( Sad face. I left the director a message anyhow, and hoped that we could do it the following year. Guess what? She had ONE spot available for Jackson in the 4's class. (The class we wanted, even though he was supposed to be 4 by the beginning of school. Obvs, he won't be 4 until Sept 14) They gave that spot to Jackson. School is 3 days a week, but we had the option of adding on 2 days of "Enrichment". Apparently, this is apx 5-1 kid to teacher ratio, more hands on projects and more Bible study. You can get all of that, too, for an extra $100 added to tuition. Blech.
It took Jonathon all of 10 seconds after the tour to ask for the paperwork to fill out. We decided the money is well spent. We thought that in 10 years, we won't be able to identify what we spent that money on - unless we invest it into our child. We are so excited to start this new journey. They have some of the most amazing teachers. Teachers who love God. They have the funding to do amazing things. And....they are cirriculum based, not play based. LOVE IT! Does that sound snobby? Well whatever. Their school is ahead of the curve. I want a piece of that for my kid and I'm so so so so so excited that we're making it happen. Now onto making the whole ice hockey thing happen. Jackson loves all sports, but now he wants to try ice hockey. Good thing it's my favorite sport. This kid keeps us busy!! He's adorable.
Jonathon is liking being home. I'm sure his old life was quieter, but this is easier. He likes his office, likes that it's so close by and that he's home in time for dinner. Finally, things are getting easier.
Melanie's wedding is in 2 weeks. Make sure to check back for me in a rockin navy blue dress that I really didn't want to wear. ;) Kiddingnotkidding.
In other news, can I just say what a cook I've become? We had Colorado Burritos tonight. Delish, although, of course mine were meatless. I felt so sick right before making them, but three burritos in, I was better. Ha, they were small, I promise.
We got stood up a few times by the therapist at school. I was irritated because my son is the most important person in the world - why doesn't everyone see him that way? ;) Really though, it's frustrating. We were on our way to his church camp, and we were supposed to have a session beforehand. It's not easy getting it together that early in the morning only to be stood up. I told Jonathon that it's time to not rely on the school. We've been looking at speech therapists for awhile, however, turns out that they aren't super easy to come by. With Jonathon accepting the position at Holland, we have the opportunity to actually get a doctor to work with him instead of speech pathologists. Hopefully this will be rolling by the time school starts again.
Jackson tested above average in his initial evaluation. *of course he is, duh*. Honestly though, he's so stinkin smart that we felt he needed more. At his current school, there were a lot of distractions. Lots of kids with behavior issues, lots of interesting parenting, and really I believe, lack of funding. The teachers were great, I felt comfortable leaving my child there - but it wasn't fitting for me. I really felt it was important to send him to a private Christian school. Providing Jackson with a solid spiritual faith is the most important thing I can do for him. Besides taking him to an amazing church each weekend, praying each night and talking to him about the Lord, I wasn't sure how to completely solidify how important it is. Then I found it. After church camp, I felt like that's where we are meant to be.
I called Rez, and they were full. Like F-U-L-L. Who knew that other parents felt this feeling months ago and actually got their kid a spot? :( Sad face. I left the director a message anyhow, and hoped that we could do it the following year. Guess what? She had ONE spot available for Jackson in the 4's class. (The class we wanted, even though he was supposed to be 4 by the beginning of school. Obvs, he won't be 4 until Sept 14) They gave that spot to Jackson. School is 3 days a week, but we had the option of adding on 2 days of "Enrichment". Apparently, this is apx 5-1 kid to teacher ratio, more hands on projects and more Bible study. You can get all of that, too, for an extra $100 added to tuition. Blech.
It took Jonathon all of 10 seconds after the tour to ask for the paperwork to fill out. We decided the money is well spent. We thought that in 10 years, we won't be able to identify what we spent that money on - unless we invest it into our child. We are so excited to start this new journey. They have some of the most amazing teachers. Teachers who love God. They have the funding to do amazing things. And....they are cirriculum based, not play based. LOVE IT! Does that sound snobby? Well whatever. Their school is ahead of the curve. I want a piece of that for my kid and I'm so so so so so excited that we're making it happen. Now onto making the whole ice hockey thing happen. Jackson loves all sports, but now he wants to try ice hockey. Good thing it's my favorite sport. This kid keeps us busy!! He's adorable.
Jonathon is liking being home. I'm sure his old life was quieter, but this is easier. He likes his office, likes that it's so close by and that he's home in time for dinner. Finally, things are getting easier.
Melanie's wedding is in 2 weeks. Make sure to check back for me in a rockin navy blue dress that I really didn't want to wear. ;) Kiddingnotkidding.
In other news, can I just say what a cook I've become? We had Colorado Burritos tonight. Delish, although, of course mine were meatless. I felt so sick right before making them, but three burritos in, I was better. Ha, they were small, I promise.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Public Statement?
When I was praying so hard for my dad to seal the deal on the new job in Colorado, I realized that there may be some misunderstandings as to why this needed to happen for my family to be reunited, instead of me moving to North Dakota to be with Jonathon while he worked there. I'm not sure I've really had this conversation with many people, so I wanted explain it a little bit.
Jonathon and I had many conversations about how much we enjoy Colorado. I've lived other places, he's certainly lived other places, but we actually truly like Colorado. My parents discussed moving at one point, and I said, "Have fun! I'm staying here". I love that my family is 10 miles away, but there's a lot more to it than that. That being said, when Jon made the choice to leave the military life behind, we decided we'd settle in Colorado. At least for now. We never anticipated him leaving to work in another state.
My dad called 10 days after Jonathon got in from Korea offering him a job. At that point, we didn't have another job lined up, or another plan. We talked about it a lot before agreeing to live apart AGAIN. It just so happened that Jonathon ended up loving the job. Instead of "something for now", it became the job he wanted. I offered several times to move to North Dakota. Both he and my dad explained in detail that the town is not kid friendly. It isn't family friendly. The rent there was outrageous. The groceries are even more expensive. That wasn't the deciding factor. My dad kept saying "Just hang on. This isn't the end game". He worked a few deals that didn't fit quite right for what the guys needed and he waited it out.
This deal with this massive company is perfect. My dad has promoted Jonathon to his very own position, allowing him to work in an office instead of some field in North Dakota somewhere, which means he'd be able to move home and have a "normal" job. That type of work is great for some guys - and was great for my dad when he was young - but we have a family, and we need Jonathon home each night.
It may look like I was trying to get rid of Jon, or didn't care to live with him. I hate that it looks that way. I've been a "single" parent for 90% of Jackson's life. That's not easy. I want more than anything to live with my husband. My Grandma (who was probably the wisest person ever) lived away from my Grandpa for a majority of their marriage. She always said "distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder". She also said she had to build her own life so she wasn't lonely, disappointed or just waiting. I don't want that. Jonathon doesn't want that. We are active in our marriage and want the family life that we experience when he's home. My Grandpa (the other wisest person ever), when asked "How are you?", would always say, "If I complain, nobody listens". Aint that the truth? So we don't. We don't talk about how hard it is, or how frustrating it gets. It is what it is. This shouldn't be mistaken for indifference. It's hiding.
It's not easy missing out on everything when you don't live together. We missed Valentine's Day and both of our birthdays this year so far. Hopefully we can sneak Easter in.
By being brave and exposing all of this, I hope you'll join me in prayer that it's God's will to bring him back home with this new job. Thanks!
Jonathon and I had many conversations about how much we enjoy Colorado. I've lived other places, he's certainly lived other places, but we actually truly like Colorado. My parents discussed moving at one point, and I said, "Have fun! I'm staying here". I love that my family is 10 miles away, but there's a lot more to it than that. That being said, when Jon made the choice to leave the military life behind, we decided we'd settle in Colorado. At least for now. We never anticipated him leaving to work in another state.
My dad called 10 days after Jonathon got in from Korea offering him a job. At that point, we didn't have another job lined up, or another plan. We talked about it a lot before agreeing to live apart AGAIN. It just so happened that Jonathon ended up loving the job. Instead of "something for now", it became the job he wanted. I offered several times to move to North Dakota. Both he and my dad explained in detail that the town is not kid friendly. It isn't family friendly. The rent there was outrageous. The groceries are even more expensive. That wasn't the deciding factor. My dad kept saying "Just hang on. This isn't the end game". He worked a few deals that didn't fit quite right for what the guys needed and he waited it out.
This deal with this massive company is perfect. My dad has promoted Jonathon to his very own position, allowing him to work in an office instead of some field in North Dakota somewhere, which means he'd be able to move home and have a "normal" job. That type of work is great for some guys - and was great for my dad when he was young - but we have a family, and we need Jonathon home each night.
It may look like I was trying to get rid of Jon, or didn't care to live with him. I hate that it looks that way. I've been a "single" parent for 90% of Jackson's life. That's not easy. I want more than anything to live with my husband. My Grandma (who was probably the wisest person ever) lived away from my Grandpa for a majority of their marriage. She always said "distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder". She also said she had to build her own life so she wasn't lonely, disappointed or just waiting. I don't want that. Jonathon doesn't want that. We are active in our marriage and want the family life that we experience when he's home. My Grandpa (the other wisest person ever), when asked "How are you?", would always say, "If I complain, nobody listens". Aint that the truth? So we don't. We don't talk about how hard it is, or how frustrating it gets. It is what it is. This shouldn't be mistaken for indifference. It's hiding.
It's not easy missing out on everything when you don't live together. We missed Valentine's Day and both of our birthdays this year so far. Hopefully we can sneak Easter in.
By being brave and exposing all of this, I hope you'll join me in prayer that it's God's will to bring him back home with this new job. Thanks!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dear Jackson
I started writing to Jackson in February 2009 - yes, a whole 7 months before he was born. Before we knew he was a "he". Before we had a car seat or knew how our lives would change. Those letters in that little notebook detailed his beginning, and every so often I'll break out the notebook and write him a letter and a prayer that's specific to what's going on at the time. This may not be in the book yet - but here's today's:
Dear Jackson,
Your smile makes my day. I stand back and watch you as you play with your police cars, ride your scooter and choose your own snack. It's hard for me to believe that in 3 short years you've gone from needing me for everything, to wanting to do it all yourself. Admittedly, there were nights when you were a baby that I prayed you'd fall asleep in your crib without me having to rock you for an entire hour. Now all I wish is that I could do it one more time.
I tucked you in tonight and saw my baby in your "big boy" face. I ended up kissing you goodnight just one more time because of it. You still want a pacifier and your beloved blankies. I'm told you should give these things up. I believe there is plenty of time for that. One day you'll ask me to pack those blankets away. The ones you've slept with since you came home from the hospital. The ones that have seen all the spit up, blow outs, tears and laughter. The blue one was given to your dad while he was in Korea for a year. That's your favorite one to keep in the car right now. I'm not ready to put them away.
You always ask for "5 more minutes" and if that doesn't work, you ask for "2". I'm not sure you actually know how long that is, but you fully understand that you get more time to wrestle with your dad, watch your favorite television show or just avoid having to get into bed that minute. You can always have 5 more minutes.
Today I asked you to take off your shoes and put them on the rug by the front door. You said "ok, Mom". I took mine off and set them by the stairs. You came by and offered to put mine away as well. Thank you for thinking of me, and thank you for showing me that I asked you to do something that I didn't do myself. Of course that was small scale, but I had the realization that I will always have to be the person that I want you to become.
Your love for broccoli, salad, salmon and water amazes me. I've never met a preschooler who chooses a bottle of water over juice, or has a very difficult time choosing between a kids meal at Chick Fil A for the Franklin book, or getting the salad since that's what you actually want to eat. I've bragged about your food choices to anyone who will listen - but mostly because I don't eat any of those things and I admire you for it. I encourage it. I hope it stays with you. I'll continue to eat my cinnamon roll in private so you don't realize that I truly think the smell of steamed broccoli is disgusting.
I know it hurts your heart to say goodbye to your dad so often. You don't know how many times he tells me how bad he wants a job closer to his family. We pray about it. We beg for it. But for now, this is our life and you're such a champ for going with it. I choose to talk about your dad everyday because I want you to know how important you are to him. He works for you. He works so hard so that I don't have to be away from you as well. He gave us that gift and I'll always be forever thankful for him wanting me to be with you. Not everyone has a dad like you. He's special. I hope you always adore him the way you do now. The way I do.
The other day you were fake shooting some geese. I told your dad we must be the worst parents in the world because you'd rather pretend to be hunting or using your tool set than doing other little kid things. However, the more I thought about it, you spending time with your Papa and Dad in the garage fixing cars and building things is the best thing you could ever do. Soak up everything they have to tell you. Remember the smell of the dirty car parts and how you got to hand them tools. You'll never regret choosing to be with them over playing with matchbox cars.
You amaze me. You make me better. You're my everything.
Dear Jackson,
Your smile makes my day. I stand back and watch you as you play with your police cars, ride your scooter and choose your own snack. It's hard for me to believe that in 3 short years you've gone from needing me for everything, to wanting to do it all yourself. Admittedly, there were nights when you were a baby that I prayed you'd fall asleep in your crib without me having to rock you for an entire hour. Now all I wish is that I could do it one more time.
I tucked you in tonight and saw my baby in your "big boy" face. I ended up kissing you goodnight just one more time because of it. You still want a pacifier and your beloved blankies. I'm told you should give these things up. I believe there is plenty of time for that. One day you'll ask me to pack those blankets away. The ones you've slept with since you came home from the hospital. The ones that have seen all the spit up, blow outs, tears and laughter. The blue one was given to your dad while he was in Korea for a year. That's your favorite one to keep in the car right now. I'm not ready to put them away.
You always ask for "5 more minutes" and if that doesn't work, you ask for "2". I'm not sure you actually know how long that is, but you fully understand that you get more time to wrestle with your dad, watch your favorite television show or just avoid having to get into bed that minute. You can always have 5 more minutes.
Today I asked you to take off your shoes and put them on the rug by the front door. You said "ok, Mom". I took mine off and set them by the stairs. You came by and offered to put mine away as well. Thank you for thinking of me, and thank you for showing me that I asked you to do something that I didn't do myself. Of course that was small scale, but I had the realization that I will always have to be the person that I want you to become.
Your love for broccoli, salad, salmon and water amazes me. I've never met a preschooler who chooses a bottle of water over juice, or has a very difficult time choosing between a kids meal at Chick Fil A for the Franklin book, or getting the salad since that's what you actually want to eat. I've bragged about your food choices to anyone who will listen - but mostly because I don't eat any of those things and I admire you for it. I encourage it. I hope it stays with you. I'll continue to eat my cinnamon roll in private so you don't realize that I truly think the smell of steamed broccoli is disgusting.
I know it hurts your heart to say goodbye to your dad so often. You don't know how many times he tells me how bad he wants a job closer to his family. We pray about it. We beg for it. But for now, this is our life and you're such a champ for going with it. I choose to talk about your dad everyday because I want you to know how important you are to him. He works for you. He works so hard so that I don't have to be away from you as well. He gave us that gift and I'll always be forever thankful for him wanting me to be with you. Not everyone has a dad like you. He's special. I hope you always adore him the way you do now. The way I do.
The other day you were fake shooting some geese. I told your dad we must be the worst parents in the world because you'd rather pretend to be hunting or using your tool set than doing other little kid things. However, the more I thought about it, you spending time with your Papa and Dad in the garage fixing cars and building things is the best thing you could ever do. Soak up everything they have to tell you. Remember the smell of the dirty car parts and how you got to hand them tools. You'll never regret choosing to be with them over playing with matchbox cars.
You amaze me. You make me better. You're my everything.
To-Do's
A good conversation got me thinking. One of my very best friends will be living apart from her husband for half the week each week for a few months. She has more kids than I do, more stress than I do, more to-do than I do, and more courage than I do - but she asked me how Jonathon and I are able to live apart for so long and not go crazy.
My response is, "I'm no pro!". Then I started thinking of how we actually survive. How our marriage survives, how Jackson survives, and how we make life go on even when we're not together.
"Lists." I told her. "I make lots and lots of lists. Sometimes everything on that sheet of paper gets done, sometimes 2 things get done. I never frown at my failures that day, I just move them to the next day, or next week depending." Wow, she just asked my advice and I told her to make a list? Great, Natalie.
Really though, in all honesty, it's calming for me to write down everything that should be getting done. I usually make a list of 10 items to do the following day. They can be as big as detailing my car, or as small and specific as making sure the garbage can gets to the curb. I also said to throw in some things you KNOW you have to do, such as feed your child lunch. Take it to a new level and plan out the meal as well.
There's also a specific day for everything at my house. A day for errands, a day for grocery shopping, etc. Look, if I'm going to stay at home, I want to be the most efficient at what I do.
Another thing I said to do was not think about it. Geez, I'm getting great at the advice...
When Jon was in Korea, I felt like I had days that it crippled me that I was doing everything alone with no break. I noticed that on those days, when Jackson was hysterical and we were living with my parents instead of having our own space - I really over thought the situation. I was angry that he had CHOSEN to go to Korea. That's just the truth. And the more I thought about the fact that I was volunteered to do this alone made it worse. I was only allowed to miss Jonathon after Jackson was in bed and I had already gotten though the day.
Sounds simple, but plan on everything being my responsibility and I won't be disappointed when no knight on a white horse shows up to help me. Knowing this made life tremendously easier. It made me be able to miss my husband without being so angry about it.
I also said living apart sounds harder than it is. Ok, yes, there's days that it totally sucks. But I found my own routine, enjoyed my quiet time after 8pm, and I've lived to tell the world my experience.
My response is, "I'm no pro!". Then I started thinking of how we actually survive. How our marriage survives, how Jackson survives, and how we make life go on even when we're not together.
"Lists." I told her. "I make lots and lots of lists. Sometimes everything on that sheet of paper gets done, sometimes 2 things get done. I never frown at my failures that day, I just move them to the next day, or next week depending." Wow, she just asked my advice and I told her to make a list? Great, Natalie.
Really though, in all honesty, it's calming for me to write down everything that should be getting done. I usually make a list of 10 items to do the following day. They can be as big as detailing my car, or as small and specific as making sure the garbage can gets to the curb. I also said to throw in some things you KNOW you have to do, such as feed your child lunch. Take it to a new level and plan out the meal as well.
There's also a specific day for everything at my house. A day for errands, a day for grocery shopping, etc. Look, if I'm going to stay at home, I want to be the most efficient at what I do.
Another thing I said to do was not think about it. Geez, I'm getting great at the advice...
When Jon was in Korea, I felt like I had days that it crippled me that I was doing everything alone with no break. I noticed that on those days, when Jackson was hysterical and we were living with my parents instead of having our own space - I really over thought the situation. I was angry that he had CHOSEN to go to Korea. That's just the truth. And the more I thought about the fact that I was volunteered to do this alone made it worse. I was only allowed to miss Jonathon after Jackson was in bed and I had already gotten though the day.
Sounds simple, but plan on everything being my responsibility and I won't be disappointed when no knight on a white horse shows up to help me. Knowing this made life tremendously easier. It made me be able to miss my husband without being so angry about it.
I also said living apart sounds harder than it is. Ok, yes, there's days that it totally sucks. But I found my own routine, enjoyed my quiet time after 8pm, and I've lived to tell the world my experience.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Being Thankful
I'll do something I NEVER do - I'll let the whole world know (ok, maybe the 5 of you who read what I write..) about a specific fight Jonathon and I had.
Ok, well, this is embarrassing. I don't even remember what we argued about. Honestly it doesn't matter. It wasn't the disagreement that brought on the profound idea I had.
These last couple years, we've known too many people be diagnosed with illnesses, pass away, suffer loss of a child, and really just get a sucky, raw deal. I've been stewing on these ideas and circumstances for a very long time, honestly probably a few years.
It's always in the back of my mind that illness is always a possibility. I see that accidents happen.
I listen to the fundraisers for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I cry. A lot. Prayer has gotten to me more and more over the years. I used to pray as I fell asleep in high school and I'd joke that God gets tired of listening to me so he puts me to sleep. Now, I pray while I'm fully wide awake so I don't miss a single thing. There's a saying, "What if you woke up today with only the things you prayed for yesterday". Holy! I take that one to heart.
At the beginning of the year, I was on my way to get breakfast when my favorite radio station was broadcasting live at the fundraiser for St. Jude's. I honest to God cried my whole way home. Needless to say, we now make monthly donations to that hospital, and pray we never need to go there ourselves. Jon had a family member receive a cancer diagnosis and it REALLY hit home for me. The odd thing was, I didn't know this family member too well - but it didn't stop me from going infront of my church, with full on tears asking for our Senior pastor to lead the 400+ congregation in prayer for this special person.
First off, I don't do things like that. I am a silent observer and I keep my faith very close to the vest. I talk to God all day long, yet asking my church to pray with me was so foreign. Anyhow, these kids in these hospitals have such a special place in my heart.
Then there are the kids who don't have enough to eat. My child complains when we're out of Goldfish, and there are actually children starving. I think about all the parents out there who are honest to goodness good people but they lost their job and have no clue how they'll feed their kids.
I think about the kids who don't have a forever home. They're lonely, confused, angry and they have every right to be.
Back to the fight. I told Jon that he complains too much. I'm an avid believer if you want more trials and tests on your plate, then complain. It's like a challenge to God. Let's not challenge God. I know he DOES NOT punish, but he TEACHES and sometimes those lessons are ROUGH. I looked at my amazing husband and said, "At some point, you need to look around and be thankful that our child is healthy, and happy, and secure and safe. He is smart and perfect and the most gorgeous kid I've ever seen. Be thankful you have a job and a home. We have food on the table every night". He looked at me and just said, "you're absolutely right". Whoa.
That's the cool thing about marriage. I'm able to remind him of all the things we have and he's able to teach me lessons I wouldn't have otherwise gotten. Let's all put more into our marriage than what we take out. Do you want to win or do you want to be married?
As for me, besides my amazingly perfect child, I'm thankful that I have such a great husband. I'm thankful that we've made it. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about how we'll pay our bills or keep the heat on. I'm thankful that I have an all loving God to turn to when I'm happy, sad, angry, confused, lonely, thankful, or just need a friend. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends. I'm thankful that I've been blessed in every area of my life and I know it's only going to get better from here. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.
Ok, well, this is embarrassing. I don't even remember what we argued about. Honestly it doesn't matter. It wasn't the disagreement that brought on the profound idea I had.
These last couple years, we've known too many people be diagnosed with illnesses, pass away, suffer loss of a child, and really just get a sucky, raw deal. I've been stewing on these ideas and circumstances for a very long time, honestly probably a few years.
It's always in the back of my mind that illness is always a possibility. I see that accidents happen.
I listen to the fundraisers for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I cry. A lot. Prayer has gotten to me more and more over the years. I used to pray as I fell asleep in high school and I'd joke that God gets tired of listening to me so he puts me to sleep. Now, I pray while I'm fully wide awake so I don't miss a single thing. There's a saying, "What if you woke up today with only the things you prayed for yesterday". Holy! I take that one to heart.
At the beginning of the year, I was on my way to get breakfast when my favorite radio station was broadcasting live at the fundraiser for St. Jude's. I honest to God cried my whole way home. Needless to say, we now make monthly donations to that hospital, and pray we never need to go there ourselves. Jon had a family member receive a cancer diagnosis and it REALLY hit home for me. The odd thing was, I didn't know this family member too well - but it didn't stop me from going infront of my church, with full on tears asking for our Senior pastor to lead the 400+ congregation in prayer for this special person.
First off, I don't do things like that. I am a silent observer and I keep my faith very close to the vest. I talk to God all day long, yet asking my church to pray with me was so foreign. Anyhow, these kids in these hospitals have such a special place in my heart.
Then there are the kids who don't have enough to eat. My child complains when we're out of Goldfish, and there are actually children starving. I think about all the parents out there who are honest to goodness good people but they lost their job and have no clue how they'll feed their kids.
I think about the kids who don't have a forever home. They're lonely, confused, angry and they have every right to be.
Back to the fight. I told Jon that he complains too much. I'm an avid believer if you want more trials and tests on your plate, then complain. It's like a challenge to God. Let's not challenge God. I know he DOES NOT punish, but he TEACHES and sometimes those lessons are ROUGH. I looked at my amazing husband and said, "At some point, you need to look around and be thankful that our child is healthy, and happy, and secure and safe. He is smart and perfect and the most gorgeous kid I've ever seen. Be thankful you have a job and a home. We have food on the table every night". He looked at me and just said, "you're absolutely right". Whoa.
That's the cool thing about marriage. I'm able to remind him of all the things we have and he's able to teach me lessons I wouldn't have otherwise gotten. Let's all put more into our marriage than what we take out. Do you want to win or do you want to be married?
As for me, besides my amazingly perfect child, I'm thankful that I have such a great husband. I'm thankful that we've made it. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about how we'll pay our bills or keep the heat on. I'm thankful that I have an all loving God to turn to when I'm happy, sad, angry, confused, lonely, thankful, or just need a friend. I'm thankful to have such amazing friends. I'm thankful that I've been blessed in every area of my life and I know it's only going to get better from here. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.
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