It's hard.

Being a military wife is like walking a tight rope. You hear those people who constantly say how strong you are, how brave you are and how impressed they are with your stiff upper lip and your determination to handle everything when he's gone. Those people have no idea.

You hear others say they could never do it, or wouldn't do it. They cherish the time they have with their husband each night after the kids are tucked in and the chores are done. They would worry every night about their spouce's safety, fidelity and committment to their relationship. Are you kidding me?

Then comes the third group of people questioning YOUR fidelity and committment, and why you would choose this life anyway? Are we wanting free medical care? Base housing? GI Bills? Girl, please.

I'm not sure why those three categories exist, but they do. If I've learned anything over the last 4.5 years I've been with Jonathon, it's that the world is not as black and white as I once thought. In fact, life is just different shades of grey. To every statement I listed above, there is a flip side.

Yes, while I'm playing with my son, trying to get laundry done and keeping us fed, I am strong. You do those things because you have to. It's not a choice. You accept that every diaper is mine to change. Every bath water splash will end up on my clothes. Every messy face is mine to wipe. And every nightmare is mine to comfort. You not only love your child enough to do these things alone, you love your husband enough as well.

Then night comes and your silly little boy is all tucked in. You thank God that he's too young to wonder why Dad isn't saying prayers with him and you don't have to explain to him exactly how long a year is. Then you thank God for those women who do have to explain those things to their children because you know right now, tonight, you wouldn't be able to do it.

You lay in bed where one side is untouched. There's no snoring, blanket stealing or him holding you. You cry silently because you miss him more than anyone could ever possibly imagine. You realize your lives are no longer parrallel and you have no idea what he's doing, if he's eating enough or sleeping well.

You hold onto the emails and short phone calls. You dread the voicemails because that means you missed their call and you're not sure when you'll get another one. You wake up at 3am because your phone rings and you're willing to be a zombie the next day just to hear his voice for 5 minutes.

You hate when you hear how military guys are players and cheaters. Thanks for making me feel inadequate when I already feel so far away from him. You have to trust him with all of your heart and for anyone to question that is out of line. I'll let you know if a situation arises when we need to bury a body if he betrays that trust. Until then, we're fine, thanks for the concern.

And no, category three - I'm not the cheater, moocher, unreliable girl. The truth is that I'm way too uncool to even know how to date. I don't have time to think about another relationship and I'm way too tired to stay up past 9 pm. Did I mention how much I love him?

Our lives are complex. We didn't choose this life, we chose the man. That man came with baggage and we made the decision that he's worth it.

He's gone. Not for the weekend, or for a vacation, but gone for an entire year. I have to stop saying that because a year is such a long time when you're away from the one you love. I am trying really hard to look forward to his R&R - hopefully around Jackson's birthday.

We truly had a wonderful time while he was on leave. My mom was nice enough to keep Jackson for a few mornings so we could sleep in. (Much needed - even though we are old and go to bed at 9:30) We had a wonderful few days in Maryland together before our LONG road trip to Colorado.

We ate at Cinzetti's (Jonathon's love) and at a Mongolian grill. It was just fun being able to pal around and not worry about sleep schedules or work. Can't beat that!

We visited Jonathon's family in Nebraska. Holy cold! It was a nice visit, but I should have brought a bigger coat. Jonathon's sister, Leigh Ann, was in town as well - so he got to see his entire family which was so nice since he'll be gone for.....ok I won't say how long it is. :/

Jonathon and I celebrated our anniversary and Valentine's Day by shopping. Jonathon took me to the Coach store - big mistake. ;) I walked out with a beautiful brown leather bag and a blue wallet. He didn't do so shabby either - he picked out a Remington shot gun. (His first personal gun)

We had a teary goodbye - even Jackson cried which just broke our hearts. Jackson slept the entire hour to the airport, then woke up to say goodbye. I was dreading the ride home since I was an emotional wreck and I knew he'd be awake the whole time and probably cranky. However, after our sad goodbye, our little guy stopped crying when we started driving away from the airport. He looked like he was dazed and just fell asleep.

Jackson never sleeps that long - but he slept the whole way home, and I drove around town for a half hour before deciding that he should probably wake up. I was stunned, but God has a way of giving us what we need when we need it. That day I needed some quiet so I could process Jonathon leaving.

Jackson has taken a liking to waking up at 5:00 am and then wanting to sleep for an hour in my bed. (Sounds like a good deal, but I lay there way too scared to move because I don't want to wake him up) I'm certain I'm encouraging bad sleep habits, but I like that my boy wants to snuggle since he's constantly on the go during the day. We'll enforce better sleep habits when we're used to all the changes going on.

My mom's Aunt Bev died last week. She drove to Phoenix on Saturday to help out with the funeral, and the house work. My dad had to go back to North Dakota the same day Jonathon left for Korea. Talk about everyone leaving at once!

I'll post pictures soon!

December round up

I spent countless hours wrapping, organizing and shopping this December. Well, every December. I am the Christmas CEO around here, and as much fun as I have with the holiday, it's a ton of work! My mom has lists for every kid, and I have to make sure every item is written down and calculated correctly so each kid is even. It's harder than it sounds!

This year, the favorite gifts were electronics. I even got the Clarisonic from Jonathon. LOVE IT. Google it if you haven't heard of it. It's a new obsession. For. Real. He in return got the I Pod Touch. Jackson also got us gifts, like the Cabelas Dangerous Hunts 2011. FUN.

We also got a very unexpected and amazing Christmas gift. Jackson and I were able to spend time with Jonathon over Christmas. Jonathon was able to help put together Jackson's "cozy coupe" from Grammie and Papa, and help me wrap all the gifts I was in charge of. After making VERY last minute flight arrangements, and a million dollars later, we were able to include him in our Christmas festivities. Praise God because I was getting really down about him missing Christmas this year AND next year.

Jackson loved all of his gifts. He really banked a ton this Christmas. He LOVES his Coupe and will even sit in it and just watch tv or eat a snack. It's hilarious.

We spent Christmas evening at my Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dave's house. Their house was beautifully decorated for the holidays, and their basement served as the general gathering place for dinner. Jackson was pretty dang grumpy. His poor teeth were killing him, and he ended up staying up 2 hours past bedtime. Luckily, it's not something that has to happen again for quite some time!

I'll be flying to Maryland Januray 6 to visit Jonathon for a couple of days. We'll drive back together to my house in Colorado. Jackson will be staying home and I'm already dreading leaving him.

In other news, my Grandpa Otto, the only grandpa I've ever known, passed away on the 18th of this month. He was a very giving man and always helped anyone he could. Heaven is very lucky to have him. He'll be missed greatly. My Aunt Laurie put together a slide show of his life and she played it on Christmas. I think everyone was tearing up looking back at the wonderful memories.

We're here!!

Christmas decorations are up in the family room. The living room and dining room look super amazing as well. I need to take better pictures.

Ahhh! We made it!

My mom and dad came to my rescue on the 22nd of November. My mother had the wonderful opportunity to fly in that morning, and then pick up my baby boy, and then fly out around dinner time. Hahaha, ok, maybe it was a lot of work, but she didn't complain one bit! My dad was totally punished and came to help me move.

Actually, on the 23rd, he taught Jonathon how to fix his breaks. They also tackled that stupid window. By the end of the night, he and Jonathon had my entire car packed and ready for the road. It was so amazing to relax the night my dad got in. He treated my sister, Jonathon and I to a steak dinner in Bowie. Ok - - I had a brownie sundae which is SO much better than the guys' steak. It was really the only break we got!

My mom told me that Jackson Lane was the best baby on the plane! He talked to everyone and did really well for not having enough room to lay down completely. However, the booger slept perfect for her, which I'm kind of disappointed about. He NEVER slept at our house. 25 minute naps...horrible! She got him to take a 2 hour nap each day. What the heck is that? Jon and I were totally disgusted with his little act. :) He's wonderfully unpredictable.

My dad, Melanie, my cat and I left Wednesday morning. My dad drove for about 1450 miles of the trip, I took over for only 350 miles of the whole ride! He's such a trooper! My cat slept the whole way, thank goodness.

I was so excited to see my boy. He gave me a big hug right away. He LOVES my parents house. He walks around like he owns the place. He shows me all the "pretty" things in each room. (He points to all of the Christmas decorations and says, "pretty!") He also calls the cats by saying "kitty kitty". J also really loves that there are so many people here. He took to his Uncle Matthew when he was a little baby, so now that Jackson can actually play, they have so much fun! Emilie is a little, er, big helper! It's so nice to have an extra set of hands. And my parents couldn't be more amazing with him. He loves them so much. I can run errands and he is 100% fine at home with them. After 14 months, I have more help than I could ever imagine! It's such a blessing.

In slightly less exciting news, Jackson really loves brushing his teeth. After I do them, he gets to brush them himself which he thinks is so cool. He graduated to a different toothbrush today. I've been looking for the perfect toddler one, but just couldn't find it. Today, I was looking for a cd for Jonathon's sister and came across the cutest Sesame Street toddler toothbrush. He got his eye teeth this week so we have just about a mouthful to brush.

Jonathon probably won't make it home for Christmas. He's been asking for orders for weeks and they still haven't given him hard copy orders. They "working on it" every time he asks. So, his outprocessing may not be done in time to get here. We'll keep our fingers crossed for a last minute change of plans. We'd hate for him to miss two Christmas' in a row. Especially since this Christmas is so cool! My mom, dad and I all went Black Friday shopping and we got some super cool items. Oh I LOVE Christmas!!

Daylight savings time

Ok, I'll just admit it. I hate daylight savings time. Last night, Jonathon had to work an extra hour and Jackson woke up way early according to the time on the clock.

I also didn't know how to adjust Jackson's schedule. He already gets a night time bottle at 5:45 p.m. He can't possibly go to bed an hour earlier for the night if we were to adjust everything by an hour. He already hates naps, so today when he WANTED to go to bed, he didn't. I just took him to the store where we bought him some super cool new shoes. When we got home, it was almost 2 hours (time adjusted) later than normal for his nap. But I took the risk and put him down anyway. He cried until I wrapped him up in his blankie. All is well upstairs so far. However, he has a horrible habit of only sleeping for a half hour when his schedule is messed up.

My house is super chaotic. There isn't a place for anything anymore. My sister told me she's excited to see my house for the first time...great, after it's completely torn apart. The upstairs was already torn apart by the time Jonathon's mom came. It will be SO nice to be settled in our next home.

It's becoming real that I won't have a December cable bill for this house, because I won't be here in December. Then it hits me that it's already November 7th and I only have 2 weeks until my parents get here. OMGosh! I just realized two weeks. Ahhhh....

My poor baby!

Here's a little story for you.

We are Pampers users. We mostly use Pampers Baby Dry, but we also use the Cruisers. We happened to have a box of Luvs sitting upstairs and I thought we'd just use them up before moving. We started using them Sunday or Monday night.

He's been having several messy diapers a day, and I chalked it up to the teething and the occasional pain medicine. He has super sensitive skin, and we have to stay on top of putting a cream or powder on him for most diaper changes. Well, he was getting a bad rash that wasn't being cooperative with the Butt Paste. He was also waking up several times a night and getting up for the day around 5:30 a.m. He'd cry all day long and we could not for the life of us figure out his problem. We gave him Advil for his teeth (gosh, they are RIGHT under the gums. Come through already!!), Orajel, took him outside, nothing worked.

Yesterday was Thursday. It was really rainy all day so it was pretty dark in our house. Usually when J wakes up for the day, or from a nap, we leave the lights off for a few minutes and let him wake up a bit. I had the light from the tv and started to change his messy diaper. One stroke of the wipe and the kid is screaming. I quickly finish up and he calms down. The next diaper change, I'm showing Jon that Jackson's bottom isn't just a rash. It is on his thighs, his little biscuits and everywhere in between. It honestly looks like a sunburn. Jackson screams bloody murder if you touch it with a wipe, wash cloth or water.

I thought about the things that have changed in the last week. His diapers. I packed Jackson up in the car and took him to Target. In the entire hour we were gone, Jackson hardly moved. He didn't say one word. He just laid there. I bought our beloved Pampers, all 300 of them. After getting him home, we changed him right away and lathered him up with Butt Paste. I asked a friend if she had used Luvs before. She said, "Yeah, they were great until I found out my daughter was allergic to them". She described the exact same, and some worse, symptoms that Jackson also experienced.

After this long story, my poor baby was walking stiffly all night. He cuddled with me mostly. Jonathon woke him up every 2 hours and changed his diaper and re-applied the Butt Paste. This morning, I got up to a boy who slept until 6:45, has been smiling since and his rash is half way gone. The part that is still there was the really bad areas and I'm sure that will take a couple days to heal.

We just felt so bad for our little guy! I was SO thankful that it even occured to me to switch back to the Pampers. Who would have thought a diaper could cause such a burn? I remember all of the news that Pampers Cruisers caused burns on children because of the Dry Max, but they didn't give Jackson a problem whatsoever. I emailed Luvs, we'll see what they have to say. I remember using Luvs when Jackson was about 3 months old or so, and we did not have this problem. Maybe they changed?

In other big news, I took our bed apart. The head board and footboard are pretty heavy, so they will stay against the wall until Jonathon can help me bring them down. Our mattress is on the floor. It sounds so funny, even Jonathon laughed at me, but I love having the mattress on the floor. It feels like we're camping out or something. There is SO much to do, I'm really hoping my sister, Melanie, can come down from New York to help me. With Jackson being sick at the beginning of the week, and losing all day yesterday to his rash/pain, I'd love the help. Plus, truth be told, Melanie is WAY better at the little maticulous jobs.

Moving forward

Baby Jackson is 13 months old! Holy cow, I don't even like saying, er, typing it!! Where did all of that time go?

Jackson has turned into a walking machine. He can walk the length of a room - or for those of you who have seen our house, he can walk from the stairs, into the kitchen, round the corner into the dining room. That's usually where he stops because he finds something he's interested in and needs to play with it for a minute.

Yes, I said a minute because right now you can't stop this boy. He's on the go and is quite the explorer. "No" has become a commonly used word around here lately. Luckily, most of the time he listens and it doesn't go any further than that.

If anyone has nap time solutions, send them my way. Jackson has NEVER been a napper. He sleeps 12 hours a night, which is AMAZING. But, he will only take a couple of 30 minute naps during the day and it's honestly killing the both of us. He gets so crabby, but he's also pretty stubborn when it comes to those darn naps.

My poor husband is realizing he's leaving. Yesterday, Jackson sat in our recliner with Jonathon and just rocked for a good 15 minutes. We were watching "Survivor" and it was so rainy out which is the perfect recipe for cuddling. As I previously stated, Jackson never sits still, so him laying on Jonathon for that long was super sweet. Jon just looked up at me and said, "I'm going to really miss this". It breaks my heart he'll be gone so long, so we won't dedicate too much time to writing about this. :)

I have roughly 5 weeks until I'm moving back to Colorado. Yikes! There is SO much to do and I feel like I'm not getting enough done. Even though I love new experiences, new places, etc, moving is gross and I can't wait to get movers for our next move. Jackson's room has been packed up for quite some time. Our spare room is filled with boxes, and all the odds and ends that don't have a home anymore.

If anyone hasn't heard, Jonathon got orders to Buckley AFB in Aurora, Colorado. We've gotten the question why we're moving there - and simply put, it's just a stop in our journey. We love Colorado and look forward to what it has to offer. It's a 4 year tour, so once our time is up, we'll no doubt be onto a new adventure. I prayed so hard that God would just send us to a place where we'd be the happiest, so I'm trusting his decision. It doesn't hurt that Jonathon and I already have friends and family in the area. As it turns out, he has a few military and high school buddies residing in that area. Cool!