It's hard.

Being a military wife is like walking a tight rope. You hear those people who constantly say how strong you are, how brave you are and how impressed they are with your stiff upper lip and your determination to handle everything when he's gone. Those people have no idea.

You hear others say they could never do it, or wouldn't do it. They cherish the time they have with their husband each night after the kids are tucked in and the chores are done. They would worry every night about their spouce's safety, fidelity and committment to their relationship. Are you kidding me?

Then comes the third group of people questioning YOUR fidelity and committment, and why you would choose this life anyway? Are we wanting free medical care? Base housing? GI Bills? Girl, please.

I'm not sure why those three categories exist, but they do. If I've learned anything over the last 4.5 years I've been with Jonathon, it's that the world is not as black and white as I once thought. In fact, life is just different shades of grey. To every statement I listed above, there is a flip side.

Yes, while I'm playing with my son, trying to get laundry done and keeping us fed, I am strong. You do those things because you have to. It's not a choice. You accept that every diaper is mine to change. Every bath water splash will end up on my clothes. Every messy face is mine to wipe. And every nightmare is mine to comfort. You not only love your child enough to do these things alone, you love your husband enough as well.

Then night comes and your silly little boy is all tucked in. You thank God that he's too young to wonder why Dad isn't saying prayers with him and you don't have to explain to him exactly how long a year is. Then you thank God for those women who do have to explain those things to their children because you know right now, tonight, you wouldn't be able to do it.

You lay in bed where one side is untouched. There's no snoring, blanket stealing or him holding you. You cry silently because you miss him more than anyone could ever possibly imagine. You realize your lives are no longer parrallel and you have no idea what he's doing, if he's eating enough or sleeping well.

You hold onto the emails and short phone calls. You dread the voicemails because that means you missed their call and you're not sure when you'll get another one. You wake up at 3am because your phone rings and you're willing to be a zombie the next day just to hear his voice for 5 minutes.

You hate when you hear how military guys are players and cheaters. Thanks for making me feel inadequate when I already feel so far away from him. You have to trust him with all of your heart and for anyone to question that is out of line. I'll let you know if a situation arises when we need to bury a body if he betrays that trust. Until then, we're fine, thanks for the concern.

And no, category three - I'm not the cheater, moocher, unreliable girl. The truth is that I'm way too uncool to even know how to date. I don't have time to think about another relationship and I'm way too tired to stay up past 9 pm. Did I mention how much I love him?

Our lives are complex. We didn't choose this life, we chose the man. That man came with baggage and we made the decision that he's worth it.

He's gone. Not for the weekend, or for a vacation, but gone for an entire year. I have to stop saying that because a year is such a long time when you're away from the one you love. I am trying really hard to look forward to his R&R - hopefully around Jackson's birthday.

We truly had a wonderful time while he was on leave. My mom was nice enough to keep Jackson for a few mornings so we could sleep in. (Much needed - even though we are old and go to bed at 9:30) We had a wonderful few days in Maryland together before our LONG road trip to Colorado.

We ate at Cinzetti's (Jonathon's love) and at a Mongolian grill. It was just fun being able to pal around and not worry about sleep schedules or work. Can't beat that!

We visited Jonathon's family in Nebraska. Holy cold! It was a nice visit, but I should have brought a bigger coat. Jonathon's sister, Leigh Ann, was in town as well - so he got to see his entire family which was so nice since he'll be gone for.....ok I won't say how long it is. :/

Jonathon and I celebrated our anniversary and Valentine's Day by shopping. Jonathon took me to the Coach store - big mistake. ;) I walked out with a beautiful brown leather bag and a blue wallet. He didn't do so shabby either - he picked out a Remington shot gun. (His first personal gun)

We had a teary goodbye - even Jackson cried which just broke our hearts. Jackson slept the entire hour to the airport, then woke up to say goodbye. I was dreading the ride home since I was an emotional wreck and I knew he'd be awake the whole time and probably cranky. However, after our sad goodbye, our little guy stopped crying when we started driving away from the airport. He looked like he was dazed and just fell asleep.

Jackson never sleeps that long - but he slept the whole way home, and I drove around town for a half hour before deciding that he should probably wake up. I was stunned, but God has a way of giving us what we need when we need it. That day I needed some quiet so I could process Jonathon leaving.

Jackson has taken a liking to waking up at 5:00 am and then wanting to sleep for an hour in my bed. (Sounds like a good deal, but I lay there way too scared to move because I don't want to wake him up) I'm certain I'm encouraging bad sleep habits, but I like that my boy wants to snuggle since he's constantly on the go during the day. We'll enforce better sleep habits when we're used to all the changes going on.

My mom's Aunt Bev died last week. She drove to Phoenix on Saturday to help out with the funeral, and the house work. My dad had to go back to North Dakota the same day Jonathon left for Korea. Talk about everyone leaving at once!

I'll post pictures soon!