Being Thankful

I'll do something I NEVER do - I'll let the whole world know (ok, maybe the 5 of you who read what I write..) about a specific fight Jonathon and I had.  

Ok, well, this is embarrassing.  I don't even remember what we argued about.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  It wasn't the disagreement that brought on the profound idea I had.

These last couple years, we've known too many people be diagnosed with illnesses, pass away, suffer loss of a child, and really just get a sucky, raw deal.  I've been stewing on these ideas and circumstances for a very long time, honestly probably a few years.

It's always in the back of my mind that illness is always a possibility.  I see that accidents happen. 
I listen to the fundraisers for St. Jude Children's Hospital.  I cry. A lot.  Prayer has gotten to me more and more over the years.  I used to pray as I fell asleep in high school and I'd joke that God gets tired of listening to me so he puts me to sleep.  Now, I pray while I'm fully wide awake so I don't miss a single thing.  There's a saying, "What if you woke up today with only the things you prayed for yesterday".  Holy!  I take that one to heart.  


At the beginning of the year, I was on my way to get breakfast when my favorite radio station was broadcasting live at the fundraiser for St. Jude's.   I honest to God cried my whole way home.  Needless to say, we now make monthly donations to that hospital, and pray we never need to go there ourselves.  Jon had a family member receive a cancer diagnosis and it REALLY hit home for me.  The odd thing was, I didn't know this family member too well - but it didn't stop me from going infront of my church, with full on tears asking for our Senior pastor to lead the 400+ congregation in prayer for this special person. 


First off, I don't do things like that.  I am a silent observer and I keep my faith very close to the vest.  I talk to God all day long, yet asking my church to pray with me was so foreign.  Anyhow, these kids in these hospitals have such a special place in my heart.  


Then there are the kids who don't have enough to eat.  My child complains when we're out of Goldfish, and there are actually children starving.  I think about all the parents out there who are honest to goodness good people but they lost their job and have no clue how they'll feed their kids.  


I think about the kids who don't have a forever home.  They're lonely, confused, angry and they have every right to be.  


Back to the fight.  I told Jon that he complains too much.  I'm an avid believer if you want more trials and tests on your plate, then complain.  It's like a challenge to God.  Let's not challenge God.  I know he DOES NOT punish, but he TEACHES and sometimes those lessons are ROUGH.  I looked at my amazing husband and said, "At some point, you need to look around and be thankful that our child is healthy, and happy, and secure and safe.  He is smart and perfect and the most gorgeous kid I've ever seen.  Be thankful you have a job and a home. We have food on the table every night".  He looked at me and just said, "you're absolutely right".  Whoa.  


That's the cool thing about marriage.  I'm able to remind him of all the things we have and he's able to teach me lessons I wouldn't have otherwise gotten.  Let's all put more into our marriage than what we take out.  Do you want to win or do you want to be married?  


As for me, besides my amazingly perfect child, I'm thankful that I have such a great husband.  I'm thankful that we've made it.  I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about how we'll pay our bills or keep the heat on.  I'm thankful that I have an all loving God to turn to when I'm happy, sad, angry, confused, lonely, thankful, or just need a friend.   I'm thankful to have such amazing friends.  I'm thankful that I've been blessed in every area of my life and I know it's only going to get better from here.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

 

Here it is

If you know me, or rather know me well, you'll know my plan was to become a writer.  Not just write in my spare time and call my hobby "writing", but rather have a desk at a job that actually pays me to write for them.  I wanted to be known for my work, and possibly even have a pen name. 

The plan was to live in New York, and only come home for the holidays.  I'd live alone, and decorate any way I wanted because I was the only one I had to answer to. 

Then, out of absolutely no where, during a trip to Florida, the total unexpected happened.  Jon walked back into my life.  He was my first relationship, my first love and my first heartbreak.  He walked back into my life as simply as he had walked out 3 years before.  I NEEDED to be with him again.  I felt it in the depths of my very being that I HAD to be with him.  I was nervous to trust again, and after making him wait a few months, we were back together.

Add in a few years together, a beautiful wedding, a difficult deployment, facing so many negative forces, learning to be adults, living on our own far away from anything familiar and finding our path for our marriage - it was a crash course in "life".

Fast forward to what this post is actually supposed to be about.  My sister told me I was pregnant.  You read that right.  I didn't know.  Honest to God the only thing I can actually say looking back is I was so tired around Christmas and on New Years Eve when I tried to have a glass of wine, it tasted horrid.  By the 3rd of January, I found out I was pregnant.  From that minute, even thinking about my child in day care - this little embryo - terrified me.  Jonathon and I talked for a long time before deciding I'd stay home with our child.  It was thought out, calculated, discussed and discussed some more. 

My plan for my life had already fallen apart by marrying a military man.  I loved the new plan.  But now, the old plan was a million miles away from my reach.  I'd be a stay at home mom - the very thing I didn't want right away.  Yet, I couldn't imagine the other option - saying goodbye to my perfect child each morning and missing their day.  Let me say, there is NOTHING wrong with working mothers.  I think it's amazing to juggle so many hats in the family.  However, it wasn't for me.  I play the guilt card far too often and I knew it'd eat me alive to not be with my baby for every minute. 

Even on hard days, I wouldn't trade it.  All the stigma of staying at home is still there in the world, but I can say with a glad heart that this is best for my child, and for our family.  There are days I think about my cute, tiny New York apartment, but it doesn't even kind of compare to looking into Jackson's face each morning knowing he's my teammate in life.  He is my helper, and my dose of what's good in the world. 

I came into being a stay at home mom really nervous.  Now, I really love serving my family - more than I ever could have imagined.  I take pride in Jackson's manners, how much he enjoys reading and that he still wants to hold my hand as he falls asleep. 

I enjoy that my husband can come home from work with a massive basket of dirty work clothes, and leaves with a pile of fresh ones.  I enjoy cooking meals I know he'll love or picking up the necessities he needs.  I like that he can call me during the day and ask me to handle something he just can't get to, or doesn't know how to do. 

For some women, the term "serving" may be outdated or possibly even offensive.  By serving my family, I'm also serving God.  I'm preparing my son to be a man of God and a future husband and father.  I want to enjoy the ONE childhood he gets.  I need to pack so much into these precious years.  If that means that my old dreams stay just that, then I'll be ok.  Because you know what?  My life is full.