Dear Jackson

I started writing to Jackson in February 2009 - yes, a whole 7 months before he was born.  Before we knew he was a "he".  Before we had a car seat or knew how our lives would change.  Those letters in that little notebook detailed his beginning, and every so often I'll break out the notebook and write him a letter and a prayer that's specific to what's going on at the time.  This may not be in the book yet - but here's today's:

Dear Jackson,

Your smile makes my day.  I stand back and watch you as you play with your police cars, ride your scooter and choose your own snack.  It's hard for me to believe that in 3 short years you've gone from needing me for everything, to wanting to do it all yourself.  Admittedly, there were nights when you were a baby that I prayed you'd fall asleep in your crib without me having to rock you for an entire hour.  Now all I wish is that I could do it one more time. 

I tucked you in tonight and saw my baby in your "big boy" face.  I ended up kissing you goodnight just one more time because of it.  You still want a pacifier and your beloved blankies.  I'm told you should give these things up.  I believe there is plenty of time for that.  One day you'll ask me to pack those blankets away.  The ones you've slept with since you came home from the hospital.  The ones that have seen all the spit up, blow outs, tears and laughter.  The blue one was given to your dad while he was in Korea for a year.  That's your favorite one to keep in the car right now.  I'm not ready to put them away.

You always ask for "5 more minutes" and if that doesn't work, you ask for "2".  I'm not sure you actually know how long that is, but you fully understand that you get more time to wrestle with your dad, watch your favorite television show or just avoid having to get into bed that minute.  You can always have 5 more minutes.

Today I asked you to take off your shoes and put them on the rug by the front door. You said "ok, Mom".   I took mine off and set them by the stairs.  You came by and offered to put mine away as well.  Thank you for thinking of me, and thank you for showing me that I asked you to do something that I didn't do myself.  Of course that was small scale, but I had the realization that I will always have to be the person that I want you to become. 

Your love for broccoli, salad, salmon and water amazes me.  I've never met a preschooler who chooses a bottle of water over juice, or has a very difficult time choosing between a kids meal at Chick Fil A for the Franklin book, or getting the salad since that's what you actually want to eat. I've bragged about your food choices to anyone who will listen - but mostly because I don't eat any of those things and I admire you for it.  I encourage it.  I hope it stays with you.  I'll continue to eat my cinnamon roll in private so you don't realize that I truly think the smell of steamed broccoli is disgusting.

I know it hurts your heart to say goodbye to your dad so often.  You don't know how many times he tells me how bad he wants a job closer to his family.  We pray about it.  We beg for it.  But for now, this is our life and you're such a champ for going with it.  I choose to talk about your dad everyday because I want you to know how important you are to him.  He works for you.  He works so hard so that I don't have to be away from you as well.  He gave us that gift and I'll always be forever thankful for him wanting me to be with you.  Not everyone has a dad like you.  He's special.  I hope you always adore him the way you do now.  The way I do. 

The other day you were fake shooting some geese.  I told your dad we must be the worst parents in the world because you'd rather pretend to be hunting or using your tool set than doing other little kid things.  However, the more I thought about it, you spending time with your Papa and Dad in the garage fixing cars and building things is the best thing you could ever do.  Soak up everything they have to tell you.  Remember the smell of the dirty car parts and how you got to hand them tools.  You'll never regret choosing to be with them over playing with matchbox cars. 

You amaze me.  You make me better.  You're my everything.

To-Do's

A good conversation got me thinking.  One of my very best friends will be living apart from her husband for half the week each week for a few months.  She has more kids than I do, more stress than I do, more to-do than I do, and more courage than I do - but she asked me how Jonathon and I are able to live apart for so long and not go crazy.

My response is, "I'm no pro!".  Then I started thinking of how we actually survive.  How our marriage survives, how Jackson survives, and how we make life go on even when we're not together.

"Lists."  I told her.  "I make lots and lots of lists.  Sometimes everything on that sheet of paper gets done, sometimes 2 things get done.  I never frown at my failures that day, I just move them to the next day, or next week depending."  Wow, she just asked my advice and I told her to make a list?  Great, Natalie.

Really though, in all honesty, it's calming for me to write down everything that should be getting done.  I usually make a list of 10 items to do the following day.  They can be as big as detailing my car, or as small and specific as making sure the garbage can gets to the curb.  I also said to throw in some things you KNOW you have to do, such as feed your child lunch.  Take it to a new level and plan out the meal as well.

There's also a specific day for everything at my house.  A day for errands, a day for grocery shopping, etc.  Look, if I'm going to stay at home, I want to be the most efficient at what I do.

Another thing I said to do was not think about it.  Geez, I'm getting great at the advice...

When Jon was in Korea, I felt like I had days that it crippled me that I was doing everything alone with no break.  I noticed that on those days, when Jackson was hysterical and we were living with my parents instead of having our own space - I really over thought the situation.  I was angry that he had CHOSEN to go to Korea.  That's just the truth.  And the more I thought about the fact that I was volunteered to do this alone made it worse.  I was only allowed to miss Jonathon after Jackson was in bed and I had already gotten though the day.

Sounds simple, but plan on everything being my responsibility and I won't be disappointed when no knight on a white horse shows up to help me.  Knowing this made life tremendously easier.  It made me be able to miss my husband without being so angry about it.

I also said living apart sounds harder than it is.  Ok, yes, there's days that it totally sucks.   But I found my own routine, enjoyed my quiet time after 8pm, and I've lived to tell the world my experience.