It's times like these, when I'm sitting at my house alone, that I remember my oldest sister, Tracie, is gone. I suppose I don't talk about her very often, probably because I'm too scared of admitting I miss her so much, possibly because I don't want to cry anymore - or maybe it's because if I don't acknowledge it, then it won't seem quite so real that I won't hear her voice or see her face again.
About a year before Tracie died, I asked my mom what would she do if one of her kids died. She looked at me and very simply said, "I would just die with them". But she didn't die with Tracie, none of us did. Just as it is sad that Tracie's life ended, what's an equal tragedy is that our lives will never be the same...we have to live without her.
She had promised me she would make it to my high school graduation. However, she died 15 months before it. I walked across the stage and received my diploma without her in the stands. I walked down the aisle at my wedding without her in the front row, and I gave birth to my son knowing she'd never hold him. Those are big events, but it's the little family gatherings and holidays that bring the most sadness when I think about them.
Last Christmas, we sat in Colorado and watched all of the old home movies we had taken through out the years. We all had tears in our eyes as we heard Tracie's laugh, and watched her open her gifts each Christmas morning. This will be our 6th Christmas without her.
When Jackson was born, my mom kept saying how much he reminded her of Tracie. They both had perfect, beautiful complexions when they were born. My mom always said, even while Tracie was still here, that she was the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen. She told me Jackson is so similar to her it was uncanny. I'd like to think Jackson and Tracie have already met. I'd like to think she did get to hold him while he was still with God. I'd like to think she can see us, and she'll be able to watch him grow. I know she'd love him to pieces.
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